


We Both Knew (It Would Always End This Way)

by SigmaLoveAndTriangleShipping



Series: The Book of Love, and All it Entails [2]
Category: South Park
Genre: Drunken Kissing, Enemies to Lovers, Kenny’s a little shit, Kyle’s in denial, M/M, Seven Minutes In Heaven Game, Underage Drinking, because Cartman is obviously a dick in the beginning, bigoted comments, but then it progresses slowly so, don’t let him fool you he knew exactly what he was doing, more tags to be added as needed, not really slow burn but sort of, not sure what to call that, somewhat reasonable Eric Cartman, their relationship changes pretty quickly
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-15
Updated: 2019-07-15
Packaged: 2020-01-13 16:03:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 19,849
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18472303
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SigmaLoveAndTriangleShipping/pseuds/SigmaLoveAndTriangleShipping
Summary: When everything Kyle knows in life comes crashing down around him, where is he supposed to turn? Who can he confide in? And how will he come to terms with feelings he’s been trying to avoid his entire life?And to think, it all started because of that damn party.





	1. Beginnings are Always Easy

**Author's Note:**

> Hey everyone! So if you just so happen to be coming from my other fic, The Book of Love, some of you may not be too surprised to see this fic pop up. Or if you’re a completely new reader, don’t worry, you don’t have to have read TBOL to know what’s going on, this can 100% be read as a standalone.
> 
> Buuut, this story and TBOL do take place in the same universe and timeline, so there will be a lot of connections between the two. So if you are coming from there, this is the untold story of Kyle and Eric’s relationship, the night of Clyde’s party, and how things progressed between them from there. If not, all of this will be completely new content for you, so just ignore any references I may make to TBOL. (Or, if you want, you could always go read that one as well! New readers are always appreciated, of course. <3)
> 
> Anyways, the main point I wanted to make here is that TBOL is still my main fic, making this one a side fic, so the majority of my attention will still be focused to TBOL until it’s finished. Because of that I’m not going to have a consistent upload schedule of any kind with this, at least not as of the moment, and I’m just going to be posting updates as I finish them. But hey, I figured I might as well indulge all of my fellow Kyman fans out there by posting what I have so far!
> 
> I hope that you all enjoy it, and that you’re all having a good day or night! And of course, thank you all so much for taking the time to read!
> 
> SLATS~

Kyle and Eric had always hated each other.

From the moment they met, there was just something _different_ about their relationship. They got along well enough when they were very young, but that was before a time that either of them could really even start to remember.

As they became a bit older, that was when the real shift between them started to occur. At first, it was just a small bit of friction here and there, nothing that really ever got too serious. But the more it started happening, the worse it gradually became; everything about them was just so different, to the point that it was almost like they were complete opposites.

Their personalities clashed in every way possible, except for one. And it was probably the most volatile thing they could have had commonality on: their stubbornness.

When this aspect was thrown into the mix, it was only natural they would constantly be at each other’s throats, even if it often branched into the extreme. It was completely normal that they would come to consume each other’s lives, to the point that it seemed almost too obsessive.

That was just the way things were meant to be. Perfectly, completely normal, rival-type relationship. After all, a bit of competition was supposed to be healthy, right?

They were destined to hate each other from the very beginning, to the very end.

That was what Kyle always told himself. It was what made the most sense, and sense was what he desperately needed.

So for the longest time, he was content with just that; he was comfortable living his life on this one basic, grounding principle, never stopping to consider if maybe it was wrong, or _maybe_ there was something more to why his and Cartman’s worlds seemed to revolve around each other. Something deeper.

But in his mind he didn’t need to consider these things at all, because he knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that his hatred for Cartman was unshakable. It had to be. Because when it came down to it, that was what created the hard, unmistakably clear line in their relationship; the line that separated hate from that little something else that had caused Kyle to subject himself to voluntary, blissful ignorance.

If he didn’t have to think about it, then it wasn’t there, and he could go on living his life the way it had always been. The way he was used to.

But then there came a few times where the line got a bit blurred. Like the time he’d rescued Cartman from the park that night during Passover, or the month they’d spent nearly every day together when he and Stan had a falling out over his drinking.

There was also the night they’d all gotten trapped in the caves, and he’d woken up in the middle of the night to find the brunette on top of him, his face close enough that he could feel the other’s breath, and an intense, almost predatory look in his eyes.

Or how about the time Cartman had kidnapped him during their town-wide game of fantasy role-play, where he and the other were leaders of opposite factions and the Eric decided to “take him hostage” and keep him tied up, under his constant supervision, for almost three days straight?

Each of these times added a tiny little crack to the wall that had been forcefully built between them over the years. Every time they got a bit too close, or went a little too far; every time they sabotaged each other’s relationships, inserted themselves a bit too deeply into the other’s life.

It was like standing in front of an aquarium display, one that housed a huge, menacing shark inside its walls, and watching helplessly as the spider crack in the glass grew and grew. The tension was threatening to burst at any moment, and one wrong move would bring about the end of everything as they knew it.

In the back of his mind, Kyle knew that it was inevitable, but…he just couldn’t face it. He shielded his eyes and pretended like everything was okay, desperately trying to make himself unaware of the threat ever-looming right before him. Because if he couldn’t see it, then obviously it wasn’t there, right?

But then came the night where he made that one wrong move, and just as he knew it would be, it was fatal. And as he found himself caught up in the waves, everything he’d known coming crashing down around him, he realized that he was drowning without any hope of resurface. He’d never even had the chance to begin with.

In the end, a party was what ended up being the catalyst. Or maybe it was Clyde, who had decided the throw the party in the first place while his parents were out of town. Or was it that second cup of spiked punch he’d unknowingly downed, or maybe fate for sticking him and Cartman in that closet together?

He honestly wasn’t sure exactly who could house the blame, but in the end, it didn’t really matter. Because when it came down to it, _everything_ in their lives was what led them to that moment.


	2. The Catalyst

“Uhm, Kyle?”

Green eyes shifted from the phone screen in his hand over to the boy next to him, an eyebrow raised curiously when he noticed the strange, almost hesitant look his friend was giving him.

They were sitting in a circle on Clyde’s living room floor, surrounded by the familiar faces of their classmates as they played various party games. He hadn’t really been paying much attention for the past ten minutes, because their games of “truth or dare” and “never have I ever” had inevitably lead to “seven minutes in heaven,” and so far, he hadn’t been called on yet.

Until that moment, at least. But as his curious gaze followed to where Stan was now pointing, he realized that the bottle the group had been using to match up their unsuspecting victims was now pointed directly at him.

“Oh you’ve gotta be kidding me,” His eyes shot over to Clyde as the other let out an exasperated whine, eyes rolling dramatically before looking back at the redhead with an expectant stare, “You guys better not fuck anything up while you’re in there, or you’re gonna be paying for the damages.”

This comment and the hushed whispers coming from around the circle only managed to confuse Kyle further, and he couldn’t help but give Clyde an incredulous look as he tried to wrap his head around what exactly was going on.

That was when he felt _those_ eyes on him; the same eyes he’d grown ashamedly accustomed to over the years, to the point that he could just _tell_ when the other was looking at him. It made his heart speed up in a very specific way, one that only happened when it was _that person_ watching him.

And as he glanced over to the boy sitting directly across from him on the other side of the circle, he found his suspicions to be confirmed as their gazes met.

“Oh no,” Kyle let out an exasperated laugh, eyes narrowing and his brow furrowing as he shook his head firmly, “There is _no way_ in _hell_ I am going in there with him.”

“Come on dude, it’s the rules,” Kenny chimed up suddenly as he nudged the redhead beside him, a playful smirk gracing his features, “Don’t be a pussy.”

“Shut up Kenny, it’s not happening!” Kyle let out a small, irritated huff as he crossed his arms, shooting a heated glare at the boy next to him. A few other scattered responses came from around the group, everyone urging him to just get on with it so they could continue with the game, but still he remained adamant.

He could have held out, too. He was known for being stubborn and completely set in his ways once he decided something, so if he refused to budge for long enough, he knew that people would usually just give up and let him have his way. It was a talent really; and one that he knew _just_ how to play to his advantages.

But then Cartman had to go and open his big fucking mouth, and suddenly Kyle’s entire foundation was shaken. Just as it always was.

“What’s the matter Kahl, afraid you won’t be able to resist me?”

The brunette looked him dead in the eyes as he said that, a mockingly sweet and naïve smile on his face as he batted, _fucking batted_ his eyelashes, and that was all it took for Kyle to see red.

“You wish, fatass!” His words were laced with fire as he spat them out at the other, and the taunting chuckle that Cartman let out in response only added fuel to the flame. They knew just how to play each other, and it was absolutely _maddening_.

A few more protests and groans of annoyance came from the people around them, and suddenly Kyle was being hoisted up to his feet, his back being pushed towards the door across the room as he was moved against his will. He couldn’t help but lose his balance and stumble slightly, his head feeling a bit fuzzy after having downed another cup of punch mere moments ago.

“Come on lovebirds,” Kenny laughed in amusement as he pushed the redhead through the open door and into the dark interior, followed by the disgruntled noises and curses as a second party was pushed in behind him, “Try not to kill each other, alright?”

“Fuck you Kenny!” Kyle spat out in one final attempt to make his displeasure known as the door slammed behind him, his shoulders jumping a bit from the sound as he was plunged into complete darkness.

“God dammit,” He hissed under his breath as he pressed his back to the far wall and slid down to the floor, arms crossed over his chest as he tried to force his eyes to adjust to the darkness.

“Oh stop whining,” He could hear Eric scoff from somewhere in front of him, just barely able to make out the other’s shadowy form as he moved to sit down as well, “It’s not like we actually have to do anything, you baby.”

“Shut up,” Kyle grumbled in annoyance as he glanced off to the side, his vision focusing just enough to be able to make out the base details of his surroundings. He didn’t want to focus on the boy in front of him, or how claustrophobic the already small space was beginning to feel around them.

Being this close with Cartman almost always ended in disaster, and the tension that filled the air around them was nearly palpable, to the point that it felt as though it were constricting him.

“Why so defensive, Kahl?” Even if he couldn’t see it, he could just _hear_ the smug smirk that was plastered across Cartman’s face, that intimidatingly prideful aura he’d become so accustomed to practically radiating off of the other, “Almost sounds like you’re disappointed.”  
  
“In your fucking dreams,” Kyle retorted almost instantly, eyes narrowing as he shot a glare in the brunette’s general direction, fists clenching ever so slightly at his sides.

“What’s wrong? Afraid you’d like it like the _Jew fag_ you are?”

“ _Shut up_ , Cartman!” The redhead couldn’t keep himself from lashing out as his mind began to swarm with the same irrational anger he always felt when the other boy was involved. He could never really explain it, why Eric was able to push his buttons so easily. He always seemed to know _just_ the right ways to get under Kyle’s skin, to make his blood boil and force all of the logical, morally-grounded thinking he prided himself on to go right out the window.

“Oh that’s right, I’m sure you wish _Stan_ was the one in here with you, huh? Wish he’d feel you up like that little bitch of a girlfriend he has, right?”

_“I said shut up!!”_

Before Kyle could stop himself he was lunging forward, the small space between them closing suddenly as he knocked the other back down onto the ground. He raised his arm back to swing, but was cut off before he was even able to cause any damage, all of the wind knocked out of him as an elbow was jammed up into his stomach.

He lurched forward as a dull ache shot through his body, breath hitching painfully as he tried to suck in air and regain his balance. But he was too late, and before he could even register what was happening, their positions were flipped.

A strange sense of panic flashed through his mind as he found himself trapped under the brunette, arms pinned to the floor on either side of his head and his thighs straddled in a way so that he couldn’t move his legs.

“G-get the fuck off of me, Cartman!” His voice raised beyond his control as he struggled against the other, only to find that he was unable to throw him off in their current position.

He and Eric had fought on many occasions before, and often found themselves getting physical with one another in the heat of an argument; but it wasn’t until then, with Eric’s full weight trapping him against the floor, that Kyle realized just how easily the other could overpower him if he really wanted to. And for some reason, this realization made him a lot more uncomfortable than he would have liked to admit.

“What about it, Kahl? Ever think about kissing another guy before?” Cartman’s words slurred every-so-slightly as he let out a devious laugh and stared down at the other, letting go of one of his wrists to grip his chin tightly as he leaned down a bit too close for comfort, “Think I should _indulge_ you?”

Kyle tried to jerk his head to the side on instinct, but was only rewarded by the other’s fingers digging deeper into his skin, effectively holding him in place so that he couldn’t move away. He could smell alcohol permeating the air in the small space between them, but he wasn’t sure which one of them it was actually coming from; and once he realized that a they both seemed to have alcohol running through their systems, he knew that their situation could get very dangerous very quickly.

But still he let out a frustrated growl as he stared up into the blue and brown eyes hovering above him, gaze fiery and intent as he tried to play off the sudden bout of nerves in the only way he knew how.

“I swear to god, if you don’t get your fat ass off of me _right now_ , I’m going to—!”

“Going to what?” Eric’s voice was mocking as he raised an eyebrow at the other, clearly getting a kick out of Kyle’s helplessness in their current situation, “Hit me? Lecture me to death? If you haven’t noticed, you can’t do shit right now.”

As Kyle stared up at the brunette currently holding him captive, he wanted nothing more than to punch that smug, satisfied look right off of his face; but as he used his now free hand to try and push the other off of him, he realized that he still didn’t have quite enough leverage in his position to actually get Eric to budge at all.

He continued to struggle regardless though, and finally he was able to free his other hand and prop himself up on his elbows. He got up in Cartman’s face and stared him down with everything he had, gritting through his teeth as he seethed out, “Get. _Off_.”

“Why? You getting turned on?” The cheeky smirk on the brunette’s face was absolutely infuriating, and Kyle found himself unable to control his temper at the comment.

“God, can you shut your mouth for _five seconds?!_ ”

This was normally how things went between them; Eric would intentionally say shit to get him going, and no matter how hard he tried, Kyle would always fall right into his hands. Because when it came down to it, Cartman knew him better than anyone else, and that fact pissed him off to no end.

“How about you _make me?_ ”

The way the other was looking at him, with that daring, pleased look in his eyes; in that moment, it lit a fire within Kyle unlike anything he’d ever quite felt before.

Cartman always got off on having control over him like this. And maybe it was just the alcohol talking, but right then, he decided he wasn’t going to put up with it; _he_ was going to take control. _He_ was going to give Eric a taste of his own medicine.   
  
One way or another.

Without really stopping to think about what he was doing, Kyle grabbed the collar of the other’s shirt, yanking him down forcefully as he pushed himself up further to smash their lips together.

Maybe it was because he was tipsy, or maybe it was because he wanted to prove to himself that he wouldn’t feel anything; that he would be repulsed, would push Cartman off immediately and be completely certain, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that his hatred for the other was sound. But whatever the reason, it seemed that fate had different plans for him that night.

Because what he felt when he kissed Eric…was not at all what he wanted to feel.

A sensation like electricity shot through his veins, his lips washed in a heated tingling that spread all the way down into his chest. His head was spinning, and suddenly all he could focus on, all that mattered was _Eric_.

The weight of his body, the smell of his cologne, the sweet yet somehow bitter taste of punch on his lips; all of this overwhelmed Kyle’s senses to the point that he couldn’t think straight, and as their lips separated, he immediately found himself craving more.

He didn’t have time to act on his desires though before Cartman was kissing him again, as if having read his mind. Or maybe he was feeling it, too? This intense, unrelenting connection that was pulling them towards one another?

Kyle’s back hit the floor as the other overpowered him once again, his lips parting seemingly of their own accord as Cartman’s tongue slipped into his mouth.

It was as if his body and mind were several steps apart from each other, and he found himself unable to wrap his thoughts around what exactly was happening.

He tangled his fingers into the brunette’s hair, pulling him closer as he allowed Eric to explore his mouth. A soft moan left his lips as their tongues slid against one another, back arching ever so slightly as the other’s fingers dipped under the hem of his shirt.

Kyle felt as though he were being scorched by heat, completely consumed by this powerful desire, and it felt _absolutely amazing._

That nagging voice in the back of his head had been completely silenced, and he no longer bothered to rationalize what he was doing. All he cared about was that he wanted _more_.

And then the knock came at the door, and Kyle was brought crashing back to reality as he became painfully aware of where he was, and what exactly he was doing. But more than that, who he was doing it _with_.

_What the fuck was he thinking?!_

“Time’s up in there guys! You better not have murdered each other while we were waiting…”

Panicked and fearful of the ever-encroaching reality of his situation, Kyle’s eyes shot open wide as he pushed the other boy off of him with everything he had, breaking them apart just enough for him to quickly slip from beneath Eric’s hold.

He caught a glimpse of the other’s face as he scrambled to get up, wide blue and brown eyes staring up at him with a shocked, confused expression. Once it seemed to click in Eric’s mind what the redhead was doing, his gaze filled with a desperate, demanding light as he tried to reach out and grab him…but it was already too late.

Kyle was on his feet a second later, straightening out the bunched up fabric of his shirt as he heard the soft ‘click’ of the door unlocking from the outside. Without even given the person on the other side time to react, he threw open the door and rushed out into the room, the bright lights nearly blinding him in the process.

He stopped dead in his tracks, the sight of dozens of confused, questioning eyes staring directly at him causing him to freeze up in his spot like a deer caught in headlights. His heart was pounding hard against his chest, the breath catching in his throat as he looked out at the sea of faces, and suddenly all he could think about was that he needed to get out of there _now_.

Pulling himself together the best he could, Kyle turned his eyes away from the prying gazes of the other party-goers and bolted for the front door, wanting to get out of sight as soon as possible and away from the confused, prying whispers beginning to rise from the crowd.

“Kyle? Kyle, wait!” He could hear Stan’s voice calling out from behind him, but he didn’t even stop to look back as he threw open the front door and rushed down the steps, “Dude, stop!”

Still he didn’t falter, his legs carrying him until he was all the way back home and up into his bedroom. Thankfully his parents were already in bed, so he didn’t have to worry about running into either of them and having to explain himself; because he knew well enough that right now, he couldn’t even _begin_ to express what had just happened.

He just wanted to be alone, to force himself to forget that anything had even happened at all, and wake up convinced that it was just some weird dream. But as he slid down to the floor, back pressed to the side of his bed, all that filled Kyle’s mind was the feeling of Cartman’s lips pressed against his own. How amazing it all felt.

And he absolutely _hated_ himself for it.


	3. Crashing Down

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter there’s reference to a conversation that Kyle and Tweek have in The Book of Love, but only the important details are mentioned here. It’s not necessary of course, but if you’re interested in reading the full conversation (but not necessarily in reading TBOL as a whole) you can find it towards the end of chapter 18 in the other fic.

When he woke up Monday morning for school, Kyle _seriously_ contemplated pretending he was sick so that he could stay home. He’d barely been able to sleep at all over the weekend, and he was already exhausted enough; the last thing he wanted at the moment was to force himself to act like everything was okay.

Not to mention…Cartman was definitely going to be there. After what had happened the other night, he knew that the other was going to want answers; he’d been texting him all weekend, even tried to come by his house a few times, but Kyle had only continued to ignore him. It was going to be nearly impossible to avoid him at school, though.

He didn’t want to think about what had happened in that closet, and he _definitely_ didn’t want to talk about it. He just wanted to ignore it, pretend like it never happened, and hope that maybe that would somehow make it go away. If he didn’t think about it, who’s to say it was actually real, right?

That was what he’d tried to convince himself of; but the moment it was time for their first class together and he saw Eric’s face, he realized that this was going to be a lot more difficult to handle than he’d hoped. The other kept glancing over at him throughout their classes together, and would even try and wait for him to come out into the hallway after class was over.

It was a miracle that he’d been able to get away with avoiding the other at all, but he knew that his luck wasn’t going to last forever. When lunch period came, he made sure to sit on the exact opposite side of the table as Cartman, putting as many people between them as possible.

By that point, it was pretty obvious that the brunette knew Kyle was avoiding him intentionally, and he clearly wasn’t very happy about it. He just kept staring at the redhead the whole time they were in the cafeteria, and Kyle could feel the other’s eyes boring through him while he sat there, fidgeting uncomfortably in his seat.

The fact that Eric didn’t even _try_ to say anything to him only made it worse, and by the time the class bell rang once again, Kyle couldn’t have been happier to get out of that room. At one point during the day, Stan had pulled him aside and tried to ask him what was wrong, but…he just couldn’t bring himself to say it.

How the hell was he supposed to explain this to his best friend? And what was he even supposed to _say_? That he was drunk? That he had a momentary lapse of judgement? That _he_ was the one who had initiated it in the first place?

No, of course he couldn’t just come out and say that. Because if he did, then that made it real; and although he’d never admit it, Kyle was _way_ too prideful to let that happen. Or maybe he was afraid to.

So he just brushed Stan off and evaded his questions as best he could. But even if he couldn’t actually bring himself to face what had happened, he knew that he wasn’t going to be able to carry this weight on his own for much longer.

That was when the rationalizations kicked in. Of _course_ it was because he was tipsy, right? It’s not like he would ever actually _want_ to kiss Cartman, he just didn’t know what he was doing because he’d unknowingly drunk alcoholic punch. He hated the brunette as much as he ever had, that was why he was so unwilling to think about what had happened between them; because he was obviously disgusted by it.

Because he _knew_ that this had only happened because he wasn’t in complete control of himself, _not_ because it was what he actually wanted. That had to be it.

So Kyle decided to get a second opinion. When their break from classes came, he went up to the one person he knew would be able to give him good advice on the matter; and one of the only people who would be able to give him a truly objective answer, without having to know the full details of his situation.

Tweek Tweak. A boy he knew relatively well, who had come out as gay a while back, and who was currently dating one of his fellow classmates. He had to be an expert on this kind of thing, right?

So he asked the one question he felt would be able to quell his irrational worries; how did Tweek find out that he had feelings for Craig, his boyfriend, in the first place?

And just as he’d hoped, the things the blonde said he felt for Craig were _nothing_ like what he felt for Cartman. In fact, they almost seemed like the exact opposite; Craig made Tweek feel comfortable and accepted for who he was. He was patient with him, stuck by his side no matter what, and Tweek wanted to be around him constantly. And for Kyle, that was all he needed to hear to confirm that he was worried over nothing.

_Of course_ he didn’t have feelings for Eric. How stupid could he be?

He couldn’t help but feel a bit ridiculous for having freaked himself out over nothing. Feeling confident that he was fine, Kyle was more than ready to sink back into the comfortable normalcy of his life, and go back to living out his days in the way that he always had. Because if he believed that he truly _did_ hate Eric, he would be able to face the other again, as if nothing had ever happened.

He would be able to go back to doing what he’d always done.

But then Tweek said something that brought all of his hopes burning down around him. About how he and Craig had originally convinced themselves they’d hated each other, and would get into fights constantly; how he’d been so confused about his attraction towards the other in the beginning that he was much more comfortable lying to himself than he was facing the truth.

Unlike what he’d said before, those words resonated with Kyle a bit more than he would’ve liked to admit. And that realization was _terrifying_. Because now, everything he knew was being brought into question. It felt as though he were watching his life shatter around him, and suddenly all of the things he thought he knew about he and Eric’s relationship were subject to doubt.

Was that why he’d kissed the other that night? Why he’d felt so inexplicably, powerfully drawn to him in that moment?

Had he just been lying to himself this whole time?

That was a question that Kyle was by no means ready to answer yet. He didn’t even want to _think_ about that alternate possibility, because it was just something so far out of the realm of everything he knew, and everything he’d ever known.

Cartman was a racist, bigoted asshole. He was manipulative, narcissistic, sociopathic, and he had absolutely _no_ moral compass. He was completely, utterly repulsive in every way possible; he was everything that Kyle despised with the very fabric of his being.

He hated Eric. _He had to._

Because if he didn’t…then what did that make him? How much of a hypocrite did he have to be to be attracted to the _physical embodiment_ of _everything_ he stood against?

Kyle felt horrified with himself at the thought of this possibility, and as the last few class periods came to a close, he was beyond ready to get home and busy himself with homework, or really anything to get his mind off of everything for a bit. But as he went to his locker to gather up his things, as soon as he rounded the corner his gaze landed on the very person he was trying to escape from.

Cartman was standing _right_ by his locker, taping his foot impatiently and glancing from side to side down the hallway, clearly waiting there for him. Kyle could feel his steps falter for a moment before his course changed suddenly, head quickly turned to the side to hide his face as he tried a bit too late to shrink away from the other’s gaze.

He was pretty sure Eric was turning to look at him, but he ducked into the boys bathroom before he could be completely certain; because if the other _did_ see him, he could obviously avoid everything by pretending he didn’t notice, right?

It was a pipe dream in retrospect, but as Kyle took a hurried glance under the row of bathroom stalls to confirm he was alone, he couldn’t help but let out a deep sigh of relief, staring at himself in the long mirror that lined the wall above the sinks.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” He chuckled dryly, staring into the exhausted-looking eyes of his reflection before turning one of the sinks on and leaning over the porcelain. Gathering up some of the cold water in his hands, Kyle splashed some of it over his heated cheeks as he let out a deep, shaking breath.

“You’re being crazy,” He seethed quietly through his teeth as his eyes squeezed shut tightly, taking a moment to focus on the cool dampness of his skin as he tried to calm his jumbled thoughts. He could feel his heart beating hard against his chest, hands pressed to the edge of the countertop and his head falling forward as he allowed himself to simply breathe.

How the hell could he _ever_ expect himself to face Eric again if his brain went haywire like this just from seeing him? Because Kyle _knew_ that the other wanted to talk to him about what had happened, wanted answers, and he just couldn’t bring himself to face that.

Maybe if he could manage to ignore Cartman for long enough, the other would just get bored like he usually did and move on to something else. He always was one for jumping fascinations so suddenly, so why should this be any different?

That’s all it was anyways, right? A _fascination_? Because Kyle had suffered a momentary lapse of judgement, and now Eric was likely hellbent on making him suffer further. There was no way he was going to just let Kyle live it down, not when there was such a perfectly good opportunity to humiliate him waiting so openly.

That was what the brunette wanted after all, _right_? To _humiliate him?_

What else could he possibly want?


	4. The Encounter

Trying his best to shake off this sudden bought of nerves, Kyle let out one final deep breath before gathering himself the best he could. Or that was his intention at least, to compose himself and walk out of that bathroom, proud of the fact that he’d waited Eric out long enough to beat him at his own game.

But as Kyle dragged his hands across his face to wipe away the stray moisture that clung to his skin, eyes opening after a much needed moment of recollection, he was stunned to find himself no longer alone in the room.

His wide eyes locked with the blue and browns in the reflection before him, body tensing like ice as they watched one another silently for a long moment. His gaze jerked down as he watched the other slip the lock on the bathroom door, and Kyle found himself wondering for probably the dozenth or so time why the _hell_ there was a bolt lock there in the first place.

“We need to talk.” Eric’s voice was serious and commanding, his eyes not straying from Kyle’s for even a second as they watched one another through the mirror, as if engaging in the dangerous song and dance of predator versus prey.

“There’s nothing to talk about,” Kyle spit back a bit too suddenly, the quickness of his words giving both of them pause before he clicked his tongue and quickly cast his gaze to the sink below.

“Like hell there isn’t,” He could see Cartman crossing his arms in his peripherals, leaning back against the wall behind the both of them as they stayed locked in their places, “Wanna tell me why you’ve been avoiding me all day then?”

“You’re being paranoid,” Kyle forced out the half-assed excuse as he reached down for his bag, still refusing to face the other or even meet his gaze at all as he gathered his stuff and turned for the door. His intention was to somehow make a beeline fast enough to slip past Eric _and_ get the door unlocked in the same go, but he didn’t even make it two steps before the other was on him.

“Don’t talk to me like I’m an idiot!”

The redhead couldn’t help but jump a bit as Eric crowded him, and he immediately tried to shrink in on himself in some weird sort of defense mechanism, cowering back as he was effectively trapped against the countertop.

Normally he would have just pushed the other aside, punched him, yelled angrily at him to move, or _something_ along those lines; but for some reason he didn’t quite understand, being trapped by the brunette now made him feel nervous in a way that was totally unfamiliar to him, and he found all of his usual defensiveness and aggression flying right out the window.

“You were _all over me_ in that damn closet, and now you’re acting like I don’t _fucking exist_ ,” Cartman continued advancing on him until there was virtually no space left to cushion their distance from one another, and this was when Kyle realized things were getting _way_ too close for comfort.

He and Eric were of course no strangers to physical contact; contact that often tended to err on the more violent side, sure, but something about this was just _different_. It was the same back in the closet too, and suddenly Kyle found himself longing for the feelings of annoyance and resentment he’d apparently come to take for granted.

“You have no idea what you’re talking about,” Voice growing a bit more urgent, Kyle tried to slide himself out of Eric’s trap to no avail, the other boy only managing to close him in further by placing his hands on the counter on either side of him.

“Don’t I?” The brunette laughed dryly as he cocked his head to the side, eyes practically boring through Kyle’s skin as the other refused to meet his gaze, “You see, here’s what I think’s going on. _I_ think you felt something back there, when you kissed me. Something strong, something that _scared_ you. And now you’re afraid to admit that, so you think that if you can just stay away from me for long enough, I’ll drop it and move on, right?

“Well I’m _not_ fucking dropping it, Kyle. You can’t just keep avoiding me and hoping this will go away.”

Kyle couldn’t help but grimace at the words, because their meaning resonated way more deeply than he would’ve liked to admit. He shoved Eric back in one swift motion, disguising this intense feeling of discomfort as the familiar disdain he was used to. It felt forced even to him, but it was all he had to avoid succumbing to this crushing pressure that grew denser with each passing second.

He just wanted to get out. To leave and go home, hole up in his room and busy himself with homework or studying. Something familiar, something simple. Not whatever fucked up reality he found himself living in right now.

One where he’d kissed Eric _fucking_ Cartman, and even worse than that, one where he’d actually _felt_ something. That was not a reality he was ready to live in.

“I-I don’t have time for this,” Finally having forced some distance between them, Kyle made his attempt to slide by the other and head for the door, but was once again brought to a halt as a hand grasped his forearm, yanking him back roughly.

“You think I’m just gonna let you walk away? We need to talk about this!”

The feeling of Eric’s strong grip on his arm, the sound of the other’s words in his ear, all of this made Kyle feel like the walls were increasingly closing in on him. It was claustrophobic beyond anything he’d ever felt before, and suddenly he found himself worried that he wasn’t going to be able to breath if he stayed in there any longer.

He wasn’t sure what the hell this was he was feeling, this tightening in his chest and the unshakable sensation that something bad was going to happen; but if there was one thing he _did_ know, it was that these feelings were telling him to get _out of that room._

_“I can’t do this right now!”_

Kyle ripped his arm from the other’s grasp at that, clutching the straps of his backpack tightly as he rushed for the door. He didn’t waste anytime as he quickly turned the lock, the door flying open as he slammed into it, losing his balance for a moment as he stumbled out into the open hallway.

“You can’t avoid this forever, Kyle!”

He didn’t bother looking back as he made a run for it, the sound of Eric’s frustrated yells echoing out as he turned to head towards the exit; fuck the books in his locker, he didn’t need them to do his homework anyways and even if he did, that was the _farthest_ thing from his mind right now.

But just as he thought he was completely in the clear, he was blocked by yet another obstacle standing between him and his path to freedom. He hadn’t noticed anyone else in the hallway in his rush, so he was a bit startled when Tweek Tweak blocked his path, the same boy he’d asked advice from earlier that day.

And not only that, but the other actually looked concerned for him.

“Hey, is everything alright?” Tweek leaned forward a bit to get a better look at him, and he was sure the anxiety was written all over his face. At least he hoped so, because the last thing he wanted was to seem like he was being intentionally rude, but he literally _could not_ stay there anymore.

“I…I-I can’t talk right now!” Kyle spat the words out frantically as he tried to side-step the other, wanting to get out of the current situation as quickly as possible, but he was stopped yet again by a soft tug at his sleeve.

_What the hell does he want?!_

Opening his mouth to voice his displeasure, Kyle was cut off before he was actually able to get anything out as the other gave him an uncharacteristically stern look and said, “You have my number. If you need to talk, don’t be afraid to reach out to me, okay?”

It took Kyle a moment to actually process what the other was saying to him, and he couldn’t help but be a bit surprised when the meaning of the offer actually sunk in. He and Tweek had never been particularly close, except for a small stint of time where the other had become apart of their friend group for a bit.

They’d definitely gotten along well back then, but after he left and started hanging out with Craig’s gang more, they kind of just naturally drifted apart. So then why did Tweek seem so genuinely concerned for him? And why was he offering to help like this?

Kyle couldn’t really wrap his head around it at the moment, but he wasn’t about to start complaining. Tweek obviously seemed to know a lot about this sort of thing from their talk earlier, way more than he did at least, so if need be he could probably offer some useful insight.

So he gave a firm nod of agreement, offering the other a grateful look as Tweek finally let go of him. Kyle was thankful for this as well, because the last thing he wanted was to still be around when Eric came looking for him, and he knew that the other would be coming out any second. It was a miracle he’d made it this long without being caught.

Kyle wasted no time as he headed down the hall and made a beeline for the exit as soon as he rounded the corner. The chilled air was a welcome distraction as he made his way outside and started heading in the direction of town, finally having a bit of space to actually breathe.

“Hey Kyle, wait up!” The redhead halted his steps for a moment as a familiar voice called out to him, his attention turning to see Stan waving and running towards him. His best friend’s beaming smile was definitely a welcomed sight, and Kyle found himself relaxing as soon as the other caught up to him.

They started walking home together at that, taking their time as they made their way through town and talked about various topics of interest; how classes that day went, the new video game they’d been playing together, the status of Stan’s ever-rocky relationship with his girlfriend, Wendy.

It was nice because of how normal it felt, just walking around and bullshitting like this. It was pretty much a daily ritual for them, and that sort of structure was something that Kyle desperately craved at the moment.

But of course this peace couldn’t last forever.


	5. Conversations

As the two boys finally made their way into the residential area, the sight of their houses coming into view as they turned onto their street, Stan inevitably struck the question Kyle knew had to be coming.

This wasn’t the first time he’d asked, after all. In fact, it was probably about the third or fourth, so he couldn’t really be too surprised about it in retrospect.

“So are you ever gonna tell me what happened back there? At the party?”

Kyle couldn’t help but grimace slightly at the words, but quickly tried to play it off by flashing a naïve-looking smile, although his words came out a bit more frantically than he would have liked them to, “The party? What do you mean, nothing happened at the party.”

“Really dude? Nothing happened?” Stan’s voice was filled with exasperation as he came to an abrupt halt, causing the redhead to stop as well as they looked at one another, “How about you coming out of the closet with your face beat red and your clothes messed up? And you looked so fucking scared when you came out, I was actually kind of worried for you.”

Kyle’s only response was to click his tongue as his gaze fell to the sidewalk, an uncomfortable look falling over his features as he shifted awkwardly in his spot. He could hear Stan let out a small sigh, and his attention was gained once again as a hand came to rest on his forearm; their eyes met, and for some reason the look in the dark blue’s before him was unreadable.

“You’ve been acting strange ever since then. I think it’s because something happened in there, and whatever it was, it changed something in you. I know this sounds weird, but I can just feel it. You’re my best friend Kyle, I can tell when something’s up with you.”

The redhead couldn’t help but frown at the words, mainly because he felt a bit guilty at how genuine they sounded. And that look Stan was giving him, like he was some sad, lost puppy who just wanted to help; he knew his friend’s intentions were pure, but he still couldn’t bring himself to tell him what had happened, and that only made him feel worse.

“Look dude, I just…” Kyle let out a heavy sigh as he glanced off to the side, his shoulders falling a bit in defeat, “ _I_ don’t even know what happened back there. And until I figure it out, I just don’t think I can talk about it. I know you want to help, but…I don’t know, I guess I’m just dealing with a lot of shit right now, and I just need some time to sort it out on my own. You understand, right?”

Kyle’s voice was hopeful, but the look in his eyes was one of guilt and uncertainty; and it definitely wasn’t helped by the fact that Stan was just staring at him, not saying anything. It was clear that he was contemplating something, but still the silence only managed to make him feel all the more uncomfortable.

“No, I don’t really get it, to be honest. But if you’re saying that’s what you need, then the least I can do is respect that,” Stan gave a small nod as if affirming the statement to himself before flashing a genuine smile, “But hey, you know I’m always here if you change your mind.

“Whatever’s going on though, just try not to stress yourself out over it too much, okay? I know you, and I can see that brain of yours doing it’s thing and overthinking like it always does. Maybe try turning it off for a little bit, hm?”

Stan grinned and shrugged as he shoved his hands into his jacket pockets, beginning to take slow steps back towards his house while still facing his friend, “Just something to think about. Hit me up later if you wanna dungeon crawl for a bit, yeah?”

With that, Kyle watched as the other turned on his heel and waved casually over his shoulder as he walked the pathway up to his house.

And as soon as they parted ways, he was finally free to make it back to his own home, more than ready to lock himself in his room for the rest of the night and try to forget about all of this.

As soon as he opened the front door and stepped inside, Kyle was greeted by his mom sticking her head through the entryway to the kitchen with a warm smile.

“Welcome home bubbie,” Sheila called out in her thick Jersey accent, addressing Kyle with that familiar nickname before disappearing back into the kitchen and out of his sight, “How was school today?”

“It was okay,” Kyle put on a fake cheery tone as he responded and immediately made a beeline for the stairs, not really feeling up for conversation after the day he had, “I have a lot of work though, so I think I’m just gonna head in for now. I’ll be down for dinner later, okay?”

He climbed the staircase without waiting for a response and headed straight for his bedroom, shutting the door behind himself and letting his backpack fall from his slumped shoulders with a soft “thud.” He couldn’t help but let out a deep, relieved sigh once he was finally alone, the solitude much welcomed after the little “incident” he had before leaving school.

He remembered back to what Tweek had said, and pondered for a moment whether or not it would actually be a good idea to reach out to the other. He went back and forth in his head for a few seconds before deciding to hold off, if only because he just wanted to relax and forget about the whole thing for a little bit.

So he spent the next several hours doing exactly that.

At first, it actually seemed to work pretty well; as he went about his nightly ritual of homework and studying, Kyle found the hours passing by without any care of what had happened at school, or at the party.

Dinner went by pretty smoothly too, as he allowed himself to get engrossed in his father’s work stories, and the class project his younger brother Ike was currently working on. It was nice, being able to push his own frantic thoughts to the back of his mind and focus on something else for a bit. Comforting, even.

It wasn’t until everyone headed in for the night that Kyle realized his plan of flat out ignoring the situation really _wasn’t_ going to work forever. And suddenly he found himself lying awake in the quiet stillness of his room, nothing but his thoughts to keep him company as he stared blankly at the ceiling overhead.

Of course his brain would decide to be cruel to him then, the incident at Clyde’s party _and_ in the bathroom after school both running through his thoughts on a near-constant loop, to the point that it was starting to drive him crazy.

He tossed and turned aimlessly, trying in vain to force himself to forget it and just go to sleep, yet his mind was clearly not interested in submitting. It was like the more he tried _not_ to think about it, the more insistent the memories became, as if he were being punished for simply trying to avoid the issue altogether.

He kept taking occasional glances at the clock on his bedside table as the minutes ticked by.

9:43 pm. 11:15 pm. 12:51 am. 2:04 am.

The hours continue to pass by without a single care to the fact that he was unable to sleep, his eyelids growing heavier with the time yet his mind only seeming to become more and more active.

Beginning to feel increasingly desperate, Kyle finally propped up onto his elbows with a frustrated huff, reaching over to swipe his phone off of the table. Thankfully he’d turned the brightness down earlier when he was getting ready for bed, so it didn’t end up blinding him when he unlocked it, his tired eyes latching onto the screen before him.

Opening up his contacts, he scrolled through them until he found the name he was looking, but even then he only continued to stare blankly at it for several long moments. Was he really about to do this? Maybe it was a bad idea?

These thoughts and many like them crossed through his mind, but at that point he didn’t really feel like he had much of a choice. He _had_ to talk about this with _someone_ ; if he didn’t, he was worried that the lack of sleep would really end up driving him crazy, and something even worse might end up happening if he allowed himself to get too sleep-deprived.

So finally he swallowed his pride and tapped the new message icon, typing out a quick ‘are you awake’ before sending it off and waiting patiently. He knew that Tweek had a reputation of staying up super late, sometimes to the point that he wouldn’t even sleep at all, so he figured there was a good chance the other would get his message regardless of how late it was.

And just as he’d expected, only a few minutes passed by before his phone vibrated in his hands, a new message popping up on the screen that read, “Yeah, what’s up?”

“I know this is weird, but would it be alright if I called you?” Kyle typed back quickly, trying his best to ignore the sudden bought of nerves that seemed to be rising from deep within his stomach. But as soon as the message was sent, he knew that there was nothing he could do to stop it.

A few more moments passed by, Kyle’s eyes trained intently to the three dots that told him Tweek was currently typing back; the fact that the other was taking longer to respond to him than he expected only made him feel all the more nervous, because what if he said no? But then again, what if he said yes?

At that point, Kyle wasn’t really sure which outcome would make him more uncomfortable.

Finally Tweek responded with, “Sure, I’m ready whenever.” And that was all the confirmation Kyle needed before he forced himself to press the ‘call’ button, his hand shaking ever-so-slightly as he moved to sit up fully and placed the receiver to his ear.

It only rang once before Tweek picked up, his soft voice coming through the other end after a moment or so, “Hey Kyle. What’s up?”

“Hey, uhm…sorry for calling you so late,” Pressing his back to the headboard, Kyle pulled his knees up to his chest as he answered, his voice sounding nervous despite his attempts to keep it calm, “I just…earlier you said I could call if I needed to, right?”

“Of course,” Tweek’s voice was a strange mix of curiosity and reassurance, his interest obviously having been piqued by the late night call, “I know it’s probably strange coming from me, but I’m here if you need to talk. So what’s going on?”

“Well, I uhm…really need your help,” Kyle’s words were a bit unsure as they came from his mouth, and he stopped to think over them for a moment before shaking his head to himself, “No, help isn’t really the best way to put it. I don’t know, I guess…I just really need to talk about this with someone, and I don’t know who else I can turn to right now.”

A short pause passed between them at that, the other’s tone a little less readable as he responded, “Well, I’m not sure how much I can help, but whatever it is I’ll try my best.”

“Thanks Tweek, I really appreciate this, seriously. But uhm…you have to promise not to tell anyone about this, okay?” Kyle couldn’t keep the nervous caution from seeping into his voice as he continued on, probably making the situation seem much more severe than it actually was, “Not even Craig. And _especially_ not Kenny. Can you promise me that?”

“Of course Kyle, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Now tell me what’s on your mind?”

“Okay, so you remember that party over the weekend? The one at Clyde’s place? Well after you left, we started playing Seven Minutes in Heaven, and Eric and I, uhm…we got put in the closet together.”

Another short silence passed between them at that before Tweek responded, his voice a bit more tentative as he gently tried to urge the conversation forward, “And what happened then?”  
  
“I…I kissed him. I mean I was drunk though, a-and I didn’t really know what I was doing, ya know?” Once the words started flowing from him, Kyle found himself unable to stop them as he continued on, finally allowing himself to talk about the situation for the first time since it happened, “I’m pretty sure he was kind of drunk too, and he started kissing me back, and…I don’t know, it just…wasn’t what I was expecting.”

“In what way?” Tweek questioned curiously, although it was clear by his tone that he likely already knew what the answer would be, or at least had a guess.

“Well, I…I guess you could say I kind of…enjoyed it?” Those words felt so strange leaving his lips, and he immediately felt the need to backtrack and try to rationalize it to himself, his mind still not fully willing to accept the reality of what had happened back there, “But I mean, I was drunk, ya know? It was obviously because of that, right?”

“Are you…actually asking me? Or are you just trying to convince yourself?”


	6. Seeking Help

“Are you…actually asking me? Or are you just trying to convince yourself?”

Now it was Kyle’s turn to fall silent. He simply stared ahead blankly, his gaze growing unfocused as those words echoed around inside his head. He’d of course thought of this question himself already, but hearing it come from someone else was a lot more real, and a lot more terrifying.

“I don’t know.” He didn’t even realize what he was saying at first, but as soon as the words left his lips, he was forced to face the reality that he was actually telling the truth.

“Fuck, I…I-I don’t know anymore!” His voice grew a bit more frantic at he continued to spew everything that came into his mind in that moment, eyes squeezing shut tightly as his other hand flew up to clutch at the side of his head, “What am I supposed to do? _I_ kissed _him_ , Tweek… _me!_ Can you believe that? What the fuck was I thinking?!

“I have one lapse of judgement, and now he won’t leave me alone about it! Oh who the hell am I kidding, there’s no way he’s ever going to let me live this down,” Kyle’s eyes widened in panic as he continued on with his rant, unable to stop himself now even if he’d wanted to, “Why can’t he just let it go?! Is he really that set on making me suffer more for this? Doesn’t he get it!?

“Oh god, what if he tells everyone? What if he’s planning to make some huge scene in front of the entire school so he can tell them what happened? Do you think he’d do that? What if he—!”

“Kyle, let me ask you something,” Sensing how riled up the other was getting over this, Tweek decided to cut in before he could continue down the rabbit hole he’d started going into, “Have you stopped to think that _maybe_ Eric doesn’t actually have bad intentions for once? That maybe he really does just want to talk about it?”

Kyle’s rambling came to an abrupt halt at that, the question bouncing around in his brain for a moment before he let out a dubious laugh, as if the other was speaking to him in some sort of alien language that was impossible to comprehend.

“Are you serious? This is _Cartman_ we’re talking about here, Tweek. _Cartman!_ When does he ever _not_ have bad intentions?” Kyle shook his head to himself as he stared off at nothing in particular, his mind having a difficult time wrapping around the thought, “Besides, if he doesn’t want to make me suffer by rehashing the whole thing, then why is he so interested in talking about it more? Cartman almost never wastes his time on things unless he feels that he can benefit from them in some way.”

“You know Kyle, for someone who’s so smart, you really can be dense sometimes,” Tweek chuckled softly as he continued on, taking note of the way the redhead fell completely silent once again, “Has it crossed your mind at all that maybe you weren’t the only one who enjoyed what happened back at that party?”

“Wait, are you saying that…?” Kyle trailed off for a moment as the meaning of Tweek’s words settled on him, a mix of confusion and exasperation lacing his tone as he let out a dry, incredulous laugh, “Dude, that’s crazy. There’s no way that he…I mean, that just doesn’t…”

“Think about it this way. You’re so frustrated and confused right now because you did something the other night that you thought you’d never do, and more than that, something you thought there was no way you’d ever actually enjoy. But you did enjoy it, right?

“Don’t you think it’s possible that Eric feels the same way? I mean, you guys are sort of in the same boat right now, you know? All I’m saying is that I’m sure he’s just as confused and frustrated as you are right now, you’re both just dealing with it in two completely different ways. And maybe if you actually gave him a chance and talked things out, you could clear up some of this confusion and feel better about it. You might even be surprised by what you learn.”

The line fell completely quiet for several long moments, a heavy atmosphere falling over Kyle as he stared down into his lap and thought over Tweek’s words. Was it really possible that Cartman was feeling the same way that he was, and that was why he was so adamant about bringing it up? Was he just as confused about the whole thing as Kyle was?

Maybe he really didn’t have any ill will, and he just wanted closure of some sort. After all, he _had_ kissed back the other night, Kyle definitely couldn’t just ignore that. Maybe he really did feel the same.

But on the other hand, what if Cartman really was just in this for the long con? What if he just wanted Kyle to open up about the whole thing and admit what he’d felt when they kissed, just to turn around and use the information to devastate him further? He wasn’t sure if he was really willing to take that sort of risk.

“But what if you’re wrong?” Kyle decided to voice his concerns to the other, finally breaking the silence after a few more seconds of thought.

“What if I’m not?” Tweek immediately rebutted the thought, his uncharacteristically logical advice continuing to throw Kyle for a complete loop, “You’re never going to know for sure unless you try, right? And from the way I see things, you’re already frustrated enough with the whole situation, so what do you really have to lose?”

“…my dignity?”

Tweek couldn’t help but laugh at the comment, mainly because it was amusing how adamant Kyle was being about the whole thing. He supposed he could at least somewhat understand the other’s overly-cautious behavior though; even though he and Craig’s situation was completely different than Kyle and Eric’s, he’d been scared too back when he first started developing feelings for his now boyfriend, and fear makes even the smartest of people do some pretty dumb things.

But the amount of mental gymnastics Kyle was engaging in to avoid actually facing the truth was really quite astounding.

“Just think about it, okay? I definitely don’t think avoiding this is the best way to deal with it, but you obviously need to handle it in whatever way you think is best. You just have to figure out what that way is.”

“Yeah, I…I guess you’re right,” Kyle let out a small sigh as he listened to the other’s advice, his anxieties over the whole thing fading, if only for the moment, “Thanks for putting up with me Tweek, I really do appreciate it. You’re the only person I really feel like I can talk to right now that’s not going to judge me for this, ya know?”

“Don’t worry about it Kyle, it’s really no trouble at all,” He could hear the blonde’s smile as he spoke, voice becoming much lighter as the serious tones faded from his words, “Like I said, I don’t really know how useful I can be with this whole thing, but I’m more than happy to help in whatever ways I can. You’re welcome to call me anytime.”

“Thank you for that, really. I honestly do feel better after talking to you, it’s nice to just get this stuff off of my chest, I guess.”

Taking a quick glance at his alarm clock, Kyle was surprised to find the big neon numbers now reading 4:16 a.m. He hadn’t realized they’d been talking for that long already, and as if his body were trying to affirm just how late it was, a loud yawn was dragged out of him suddenly.

“Shit, I completely lost track of time,” The tired pull of his eyelids was much more noticeable now, and he couldn’t help but feel a bit relieved that he was finally going to be able to get some sleep, “I should probably try to get some rest. Sorry for keeping you up for so long.”

“Don’t worry about it, like I said I’m happy to help. Plus I probably wouldn’t be asleep right now anyways, if I’m being honest. Might as well do something useful with my time, ya know?

“But yeah, you should definitely get some sleep. Just don’t forget about what I said, okay?”

“I promise I’ll think about it some more,” Kyle nodded as if to affirm the statement to himself, a tired smile coming to his lips as he ran his fingers loosely through his thick curls, “You should try to get some sleep too. I’ll see you at school tomorrow, yeah?”

“Yep. If you wanna talk at all during the day, you know where to find me.”

They said their goodbyes at that before hanging up the call, a deep sigh spilling from Kyle’s lips as he was left alone with his thoughts once more. He set his phone back on the nightstand before laying back down and getting comfortable, his eyes falling closed as he allowed the tiredness to finally overtake him.

The last thing he thought about as he lay there was Tweek’s advice, and what he’d said about trying to see things from Eric’s point of view. If the other really _was_ feeling the same way about the whole thing as he was, maybe it would be better for the both of them if they just talked it out?

He was just going to have to approach this with caution, at the very least. One of Cartman’s many gifts was his ability to be scarily cunning when he wanted to, and if he really _did_ have some ulterior motive and planned to turn on Kyle at the last minute, he needed to be prepared for that.

But Kyle also knew that continuing to avoid and run from the issue wasn’t doing him any good, especially considering that the two saw each other literally every day. And as much as he hated to admit it, Cartman was just so deeply engrained into nearly every aspect of his life, so avoiding him completely just wasn’t possible.

He was going to want to talk about it again, that much was unavoidable. And maybe, just maybe, Kyle would be ready for it the next time he asked.

What other choice did he have?


	7. Decisions, Decisions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! Long time no see, I know. As I’m sure many of you have noticed by now, I’ve been on a bit of a hiatus recently, and I apologize for the long period of radio silence. I graduated from college, moved back to my home state for the first time in 8 years, and overall have just been in a very “up in the air” living situation for the past couple of months. 
> 
> Between all of this, looking for a job, and taking an online summer course, I haven’t had much time to just sit down and write like I usually do. I can’t say for sure when my next update is going to be or when I’m going to be able to be back on a consistent schedule, but I’ve been working on this fic piece by piece for a while now, and figured I might as well upload what I have for you guys. I hope you all enjoy it, and hopefully you’ll be hearing from me again soon!
> 
> SLATS~  
> (P.S. Be sure to read the notes on the next chapter for an important PSA!)

That morning, Kyle spent an excessively long time trying to mentally prepare himself to deal with Cartman. After all, he knew that the other was going to try and bring it up again, and if it was anything like their encounter in the bathroom the previous day, he needed to be ready for it.

That was what he’d convinced himself of, at least. So when the first half of the day went by without any word from the brunette, he was a little more than thrown off by it. He’d expected Eric to immediately be back on his case about it, but the other not only didn’t try to bring it up again, but he didn’t try to talk to Kyle _at all_.

It wasn’t even like Eric was avoiding him either, at least not in the same way that Kyle had been avoiding him before; no, it was rather that the other just wasn’t showing any interest in him at all for some reason. He didn’t try to approach him, didn’t try to corner him outside of class, didn’t even try to talk to him at lunch.

Considering how intense Cartman had been the day before, Kyle couldn’t help but feel confused by the seemingly complete 180. How could he have gone from one extreme to another so quickly? Kyle already figured that he would give up and move on eventually, but something about this just didn’t feel right.

It felt deliberate.

And as it continued to drag on not just one, or two, or even three days, but the entire week, Kyle found himself feeling more and more perturbed by the other’s behavior. Cartman had been blowing up his phone nonstop after the party, even tried coming to his house when he didn’t answer, but now he hadn’t even received one text from him.

When the end of the school day Friday rolled around, still with no word from Eric at all, Kyle couldn’t deny that he was feeling more than a little bit agitated. Or maybe agitated wasn’t really the right word; it wasn’t as though he was angry with the other, he just felt…off in a way that he couldn’t quite explain.

It was like the more Eric avoided him, the more he found himself thinking of the brunette, to the point where he began filling his thoughts almost constantly. What was going on with him? Why had he just seemingly given up all of the sudden, why hadn’t he tried to bring it up anymore? Was he punishing Kyle for turning him down when he wanted to talk before?

That was honesty what it was starting to feel like.

The redhead couldn’t help but click his tongue at the thought, his expression falling as he stared blankly down at the ground, his mind continuing to race with questions. He was so caught up in this feeling that he almost completely forgot what he was doing, the sound of his name being called dragging him back to reality as his eyes snapped up to meet with the source of the noise.

“Kyle, dude, are you okay? I’ve said your name like, three times now,” Stan’s voice was laced with concern as he watched the other intently, head tilting to the side a bit when he finally grabbed his friend’s attention again, “You’ve just been standing there staring at nothing for the past 10 minutes. What’s up with you?”

“Nothing, I just…” Kyle forced the words out a bit too quickly, a deep sigh leaving his lips when he saw the incredulous look Stan was now giving him, “I’ve got a lot on my mind right now, I guess. Sorry for spacing out on you, I just—”

“Does this have anything to do with Cartman?”

The words hit Kyle suddenly, and he couldn’t help but be taken aback as he stared wide-eyed at the other, forcing out probably the fakest laugh he’d ever heard as he tried to play it off, “Why would you think that? This has nothing to do with—”

“Really, he has nothing to do with it? So you’re telling me that the fact you two haven’t spoken since Monday has _nothing_ to do with how weird you’ve been acting all week? Those two things just _coincidentally_ happened at the same time? Come on dude, you’ve got to give me more credit than this, I’m not stupid.

“Something obviously happened between you two, and whatever it was it’s got you really upset right now, I can tell. You’ve been so distracted the past few days, not to mention you’ve been staring at Cartman almost constantly. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that you’re bothered by something, and whatever it is it obviously involves him.”

“Have I…really been staring at him?” Kyle couldn’t help but be surprised by the statement, eyes widening further as an almost mortified look fell over his features.

“Yeah, like a lot. You guys have never acted like this before, and it’s honestly starting to creep me out a little bit. I mean, I don’t think I’ve _ever_ seen Cartman be this quiet before, and I definitely haven’t seen you this distracted. Something’s eating at you, and whatever it is, I feel like you’re not dealing with it well. Did he say something to you, or what?”

“It’s…complicated,” Kyle’s gaze fell to the ground once more at that, his shoulders falling a bit as a deep frown tugged at the corners of his lips, “It’s not like he did anything wrong, it’s just…I don’t know.”

An awkward silence fell between them for several long moments, the feeling of Stan’s eyes on him making the redhead shift uncomfortably in his spot. His attention was drawn back once more though as a hand was placed on his forearm, his eyes coming back to meet with the serious and concerned ones of the boy before him.

“Listen to me for a sec, okay?”

The look he was getting from Stan was unreadable, but he knew that the other wasn’t going to let up until he said his peace, so he gave a small nod as he let his friend continue.

“I don’t know what went down between you guys, but you’re seriously starting to worry me, Kyle. Whatever it was obviously affected you more than you’re letting on, and it just seems like you’re getting worse the longer this goes on for. Can’t you guys just talk whatever it is out?”

“I wanted to!” Kyle answered way too suddenly that time, an embarrassed flush coming to his face as he clicked his tongue disapprovingly, their gazes breaking as he quickly glanced off to the side, “I was _planning_ to talk it out, but then he just stopped talking to me completely.”

“Have you tried talking to _him?_ ”

Kyle simply blinked at the question, as if the thought hadn’t actually occurred to him until that moment. He’d been so caught up in the fact that Eric stopped trying to talk to him about the whole thing, that he hadn’t even stopped to consider being the one to reach out.

Or rather, it was as though his mind had been intentionally avoiding that option; because if he was the one to actually initiate the conversation, then he would be forced to accept the significance of it. It was almost like he wanted Cartman to shoulder the responsibility so he didn’t have to, as if it were some weird defense mechanism put in place to protect his pride.

Clearly it was a lot more flawed than he’d realized. But more than that, it just straight up wasn’t working anymore.

“Look, just…I’m worried about you. Whatever’s going on is clearly bothering you, and avoiding it’s only going to make it worse. You’re the one who always talks about facing your problems head on rather than running from them, right? You know that shit never works, and you’re not immune to it.”

Letting his hand fall back to his side, Stan let out a small sigh as he looked back and forth between his friend’s eyes, as if searching them for answers Kyle was still unwilling to give.

“All I’m saying is that I think maybe you should reach out to him. Normally I’d never advise you and Cartman to talk alone together, but this situation obviously isn’t normal, and that seems like it might be your best bet. I don’t like seeing you so upset, and since you won’t talk to me about whatever’s going on with you, I don’t know what else I can do to help.”

“No, you’re…you’re right,” Letting out a defeated-sounding sigh, Kyle gave the other an apologetic look as he gripped the straps of his backpack and straightened back up in his spot, “I’m sorry for making you worry, I’ve just had a lot to think about lately. But you’re right, I haven’t really been handling things the way I should be…I’ll try harder, okay?”

“Good,” The serious light faded from Stan’s eyes at that as he put on a genuine smile, motioning back towards his house which they currently stood in front of, “I’ve gotta head in now, but let me know how it goes, okay? I know Cartman can be absolute hell to deal with sometimes, but I’m sure if you guys sit down and talk it out, you’ll feel a lot better afterwards.”

“Yeah, you’re probably right…thanks, Stan.”

“Hey, I’ve always got your back, dude. That’s what Super Best Friends are for, right?” Letting out a soft chuckle, the noirette turned on his heel and began making his way up the stairs to his house, calling back out to his friend as he waved over his shoulder, “Good luck with everything! If there’s anything I can do to help, just let me know.”

Kyle watched as Stan disappeared into his house, the front door closing behind him and leaving the redhead on his own, all of his words seeming to circle through his mind on a loop. He thought he’d been doing so well of keeping things to himself, so to find out he’d been being so obvious about his feelings was beyond embarrassing, and more than a little concerning.

He of course knew he was affected by the fact that Cartman wasn’t talking to him anymore, that much he couldn’t deny, but to hear that it’d gotten to the point where it was so outwardly noticeable now meant it had become way more significant than he wanted to admit. Why else would he be so torn up about it?

Not only that, but it was looking more and more like _he_ was going to have to be the one to reach out first, something he had not at all intended on doing; because he knew that if he did, there would be no going back from it. As soon as he broke and asked Cartman to talk, the other would know _for sure_ that he’d gotten under Kyle’s skin, and he still couldn’t help but wonder if maybe that was what the brunette actually wanted.

To know that he’d won; that he’d been able to affect Kyle so deeply, just by doing literally nothing. What other reason could he have for intentionally avoiding him for so long?

Kyle was having hard time coming up with an answer, and that only made him all the more nervous. So when the time came to actually do it, he couldn’t really be all that surprised when he found himself having more difficulty than expected.

He typed out the message around 5:30; a simple “Can we talk?” That was short and to the point.

But as 7 o’clock rolled around, he still couldn’t bring himself to push send. He’d picked up the phone and stared at the text about a dozen times or so by then, even hovered his thumb over the send button a few times, yet still he didn’t do it; and the more times he looked at it, the more frustrated with himself he became.

What the hell was wrong with him? Why couldn’t he just get it over with?

Every time he went to send the message, he was seized with a rush of panic that made his body freeze and his thoughts race. What if this really was what Eric wanted? What if he was just waiting for Kyle’s guard to drop, to throw him off his game and strike when he was least expecting it?

These thoughts and many like them continued to swarm through his head like crazy, the overwhelming apprehension holding him back no matter how many times he tried. And as the next couple hours ticked by, the same outcome happening over and over again, Kyle found himself feeling increasingly disheartened.

His frustrations only continued to grow, to the point that he eventually just tossed his phone to the side with an aggravated groan as he flopped back onto his bed.

“You’re being stupid,” He spoke the words to himself as he stared up at the ceiling, a deep sigh leaving him as he placed a hand over his face, “This isn’t working…I have to think of something else.”

He glanced absently around the room at that, taking in his surroundings as he tried to come up with something, _anything_ to get these nervous feelings to subside, if only even a little bit. Texting Cartman obviously wasn’t going to happen, and calling was a no-go too. He looked over at his computer for a moment or two, wondering if he’d be able to reach the other online somehow, but quickly shook that thought away, too.

If he wasn’t able to hit send on his phone, he obviously wasn’t going to be able to hit enter on his keyboard, either. No, he needed something else; something he couldn’t turn back on at the last second, something that _forced_ him to actually deal with the matter at hand. Otherwise the cycle was just going to keep repeating, and it was doing way more harm than it was good.

It wasn’t doing any good at all, actually.

An idea came to him suddenly at that, and although he didn’t particularly like it, he realized that it was likely his only bet to actually do something constructive. He couldn’t sit around and think about it though, otherwise he would just psych himself out and wind up right back at square one; he had to just do it, and he had to do it now before he had enough time to actually think it through.

And as he jumped from bed and threw on his coat, quietly making his way downstairs as to not wake anyone up, his “plan” of just going for it actually seemed to be working at first. That was, until he was about halfway through his walk down the empty street, the cool night air whipping by him as the familiar house came into view.

That was when the nerves kicked in, his stomach knotting anxiously as he tried his best to push the reality of what he was doing from his mind, but to no avail.

“This is a bad idea,” He spoke quietly to himself as he continued to force his feet forward, knowing that if he were to stop or even slow down at all, he would likely turn right back around and pretend like this whole thing never actually happened. He would retreat to the comfort of his room, continue trying to rationalize everything to himself until falling into yet another shallow, restless sleep for the night.

Nothing would actually end up getting resolved. And it would continue to not be resolved over and over again, as if he were caught in some vicious cycle of his own making, until either he became completely ignorant or went insane.

 


	8. Acceptance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please read for an important PSA involving this fic!
> 
> So I don’t want to make this too lengthy, but recently I’ve been seeing a lot of kyman discourse on social media, and I feel the need to address some things. Kyman has always been a pretty split and at times controversial pairing, but lately I’ve been seeing even more people get heated about it. I never like to see this stuff because, in my opinion, as long as no one is hurting anybody you should just let people enjoy what they enjoy, right?
> 
> The kyman fandom, from what I’ve seen, tends to fall into two main categories. There are people who think that Cartman should stay the narcissistic, bigoted and manipulative person that he was in earlier seasons, and that writing him any differently is an insult to his character; there are also people that believe he’s shown the capability to change in later seasons and enjoy seeing his character develop in a more positive light. I just so happen to be from the latter group, and therefor like to portray Cartman as such.
> 
> I believe that everyone is entitled to their own opinions obviously, but in an attempt to avoid the strange past time of sending hateful comments and even death threats to creators who put out content one might personally disagree with, I feel the need to make this PSA and my position on this fic clear.
> 
> If you don’t think that Cartman is capable of experiencing empathy for others and expressing a willingness to change, then this fic is not going to be for you. My portrayal of Cartman is likely going to seem very OOC for you, and it’s just not going to be an enjoyable experience for anyone involved, which is perfectly fine if that’s the case. I just want people to know which direction this fic is going to go in now, so that you don’t continue to get involved if it isn’t the sort of content you like.
> 
> Anyways, that’s it for this disclaimer-sort-of-thing. For those of you who decide to stick around, I hope you continue to enjoy the story that’s to come!
> 
> SLATS~

This had to be done, and this had to be done now.

Kyle knew that, and yet still he found himself frozen as he stood in front of the door, hand raised to knock but not actually doing it. He simply stared blankly off into space, his mind beginning to race as it had back in his own home, trying to talk him out of it and convince himself how stupid of an idea this was.

He even tried to rationalize by saying that he didn’t want to risk waking Liane since it was late, even though her car clearly wasn’t even there, something Kyle had taken note of when he first approached their home.

It was as if his mind were trying everything it possibly could to get him to leave, panic and red flags with no tangible source beginning to overwhelm him at an alarming rate. He knew that he was being ridiculous, but for some reason he just couldn’t stop it, and he was far less than pleased by the new discovery that he could no longer control his emotions for some reason.

Letting his hand fall back to his side in defeat, Kyle was just about to give up and walk shamefully back to his house when the door in front of him opened suddenly, the light from inside nearly blinding him as he was caught completely off guard.

“ _Shit_ ,” He hissed out the word as he moved to cover his eyes, taking a moment to adjust to the sudden brightness before regaining his composure.

But just as quickly as he managed to grab hold of it, it was torn from his grasp all over again as his eyes met with those of the person in front of him; the last person he wanted to see at that moment, ironic considering _he_ was the one who came to the house in the first place.

“How did you—?” He started to ask but was cut off before he could finish, the boy before him answering his question before he could even get it out as he pointed up towards the second floor.

“I could see you from my window,” Eric spoke the words so nonchalantly, the look on his face unreadable to the point that it was probably the exact _opposite_ of the look Kyle wore at that moment.

“You were watching me?” Kyle asked dubiously as he stared at the other, the questioning tone in his voice thankfully helping to cover up just how nervous he was feeling, “Were you…expecting me to come here?”

Eric simply stared at him for several awkwardly long moments, the intensity in his gaze making the redhead shift uncomfortably as they looked at one another in silence.

“Do you wanna come in?” Completely ignoring his question, Cartman didn’t even wait for a response as he stepped off to the side and held the door open, motioning for Kyle to step inside and out from the cold.

Kyle hesitated for a brief moment as he peered inside though, wondering if it was already too late to walk away and act like this never happened. He knew for a fact that it obviously was, but still he couldn’t help but consider it anyways.

Shoving his hands into his coat pockets to try and hide the fact that they were shaking, he took a few slow, tentative steps inside, listening closely as Eric shut and locked the door behind them. He wasn’t sure why, but the sound of the lock clicking into place was suddenly much more noticeable than it normally would have been, and his throat much drier as he swallowed hard.

This heavy silence continued to hang over them as Cartman walked by and began making his way upstairs, Kyle following wordlessly behind him as if on instinct.

They didn’t talk as they made their way into the Eric’s room either, the redhead walking in and taking a seat on the edge of the bed without a second thought; he wasn’t quite sure why he did it, it just felt like the right thing to do in the moment.

He clasped his hands together tightly in his lap, watching as Eric shut the door behind him and stood with his back pressed against it, arms crossed over his chest as they looked at one another closely. He wasn’t sure what he looked like at the moment, but if the twisting in his stomach and the pounding of his heart were anything to go by, he assumed he probably looked just as nervous as he felt.

He hoped that wasn’t the case though, especially considering how calm Cartman seemed to be, the expression on his face just as unreadable as when he’d first opened the door. He didn’t look surprised, or nervous, or any of the things Kyle was dealing with at the moment, and that only made him feel all the worse.

With the way things looked right now, it seemed like Eric wasn’t anywhere near as affected by this as he was. Maybe he wasn’t even affected at all.

If that were the case, then it meant that all of Kyle’s fears about doing this in the first place were likely about to be confirmed. The only thing he could really do now was try and brace himself for an outcome he was convinced was inevitable.

“Why have you…been avoiding me?” He couldn’t even bring himself to meet Eric’s gaze as he asked the question without really even thinking about it first, pangs of regret filling his chest as soon as the words left his lips.

After about 10 seconds with no answer, Kyle glanced back up at the other to see a strange, subtle grin on his lips, an eyebrow raised as he watched the redhead with an interested gaze.

“You’re being paranoid.”

It took a moment, but as those words echoed in his mind, Kyle realized _why_ Cartman was giving him that look. Those were the same exact words he’d said to the brunette earlier that week, when he’d cornered him in the bathroom to ask why he’d been avoiding him all day.

Having his own words turned against him like this was, well…unexpected, to say the least.

“So, why are you here?” Not even giving him time to offer a retort of some sort, Eric continued on as he looked at Kyle with an interested gaze, although the way he asked the question almost seemed to imply that he already knew the answer. Or that he had an idea, at least.

But as Kyle glanced back down to the floor, thinking over the words for a moment, he realized that he didn’t actually have an answer to give. Because when it came down to it, he still wasn’t sure what exactly he hoped to gain out of any of this.

“You don’t even know, do you?” Seeming to sense that he wasn’t going to get an answer, Eric decided that he was just going to have to take control of the situation himself, “Then how about this. How about I talk and you just listen, okay?”

Kyle’s gaze snapped up at the first sign of movement, watching as the brunette pushed off of the door and took a few steps towards him. Cartman stopped about halfway across the room, an intense light in his eyes as he stared down at the other, a strange, genuine warmth falling over his features that Kyle had never quite seen before.

“Because I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you since that night.”

Kyle simply blinked at the statement, his mind seeming to take a moment to actually process what he’d heard, and even then he still doubted his own ears. He only continued to stare at the other with wide eyes, his lips parted wordlessly as he tried to come up with something to say in return, but all of his thoughts seeming to have completely blown out the window.

“What…?”

That was all he managed to get out, the genuine light in Cartman’s eyes only seeming to grow as he took a few steps closer.

“I know you probably think I’m lying or some shit, but just…listen to me for a minute. That night, when you kissed me…I’ve never felt anything like that before. What I felt with Heidi, or Wendy, or anyone else is _nothing_ like what I felt with you. And I can’t just keep pretending like that’s not the truth.”

Kyle’s brain felt like it were short-circuiting as he listened, the other’s words feeling as though they were piercing deep into his chest, yet still he was unable to come up with a response. Not that it really mattered though, because Eric didn’t seem particularly interested in stopping at that point.

“I know that this probably sounds completely insane to you, and hell, maybe it is, but I can’t stop thinking about you, Kyle. And I can’t go back to the way things were before, not anymore…I can’t just pretend that it never happened, and I can’t act like I’m okay with the idea that I might never get to feel that way again.

“Something happened between us that night, something that we can’t undo. Maybe it really was just a lapse of judgement, or because you were drunk, or whatever. But no matter _what_ the reason was, you kissed me, and you enjoyed it. We both did.”

Kyle instinctively went to deny the suggestion, but Eric didn’t even give him time to say anything as he continued on, seeming to know exactly what the redhead was thinking before he even got the chance to say it.

“You felt something and it scared you. Because if you and I both liked something we were supposed to hate, then how can anything else make sense, right? So you’ve been trying to run from it, because you’re afraid of what’ll happen if you stop, but…if you keep running, I’m going to chase after you. I can’t just let this slip away, at least not without a fight first. This is way too important now.”

At this point Cartman finally trialed off, an expectant look in his eyes as he watched Kyle closely, clearly waiting for him to add something then. At first he had _no idea_ what to even say, the words striking him to his core and leaving him feeling as if he’d somehow stumbled into a different dimension entirely.

Was Eric actually…admitting to all of this? And not just that, but so openly, too? Kyle still couldn’t help but to question what exactly his aim was here, wondering if this was all just some ploy to get him to open up about how he felt as well, but…from what he could tell, that didn’t seem to be the case.

So then what the hell was actually going on here?

“What…do you suppose we do, then?” Deciding to play along, if only for a moment, Kyle asked the one question that had been swarming through his mind since this whole thing had begun. And as much as he tried to prepare himself, he still wasn’t quite ready for Eric’s answer.

“We stop running.”

The serious tone in Cartman’s voice as he said those words, the calm yet unwavering look in his eyes as he stared at the redhead before him…this entire situation left Kyle feeling as though he were on the edge of a large tower, the foundations beginning to shake around him as he stared down at the ever approaching drop before him.

One wrong move and he would lose his footing completely, toppling over the ledge into a place he knew he would never be able to return from. That neither of them would be.

“What exactly are you suggesting?” His words were controlled, cautious. It was clear that he knew the direction this conversation was heading in, the apprehension now growing stronger than ever as he inched closer and closer to the fall.

“What I’m trying to say is that…maybe we should try and actually see where this goes.”

Kyle’s heart was pounding hard against his chest, this strange feeling twisting inside of his stomach over and over and over again, unrelenting as it continued to leave him feeling shaken and breathless.

“As in, like…a relationship?” He could hear his own voice wavering as he asked this fateful question, the words feeling completely foreign in his mouth to the point that he might as well have been speaking a completely different language entirely.

“We don’t have to put a title to it if you don’t want to, not yet at least. We can just let go, let things happen naturally. Figure it all out one step at a time, you know?” Eric’s voice, on the other hand, was calm and casual as ever, his unexpectedly cool demeanor leaving Kyle feeling as though he were slowly going insane.

How could he just be so calm about all of this? How could any of this even be real? Never in his life did Kyle think he would be sitting in the room of his self-sworn enemy, the boy whom he’d hated basically all of his life and who had always hated him in return, and talking about a _romantic relationship_ with each other.

And _never_ in his life would he have expected his chest to feel surprisingly warm at the thought, as if he found himself thinking that maybe, just _maybe_ it wasn’t such a completely insane idea after all. That was honestly what terrified him the most.

“Cartman, we…we hate each other! We’ve _always_ hated each other!” Kyle jumped from the bed suddenly, all of the conflicting emotions he’d been dealing with and attempting to ignore since that night crashing over him full-force, no longer held behind the barrier that had been containing them all this time.

“I don’t care about that anymore Kyle, that’s not important now!” Eric took another step towards him at this, arms thrown out to the sides as he stared at the other with a desperate, imploring gaze.

“ _I_ care! All of the shit you’ve done, everything you’ve put me through and everything that you _stand_ for, I just can’t—”

“Then I’ll change! Just ask me and I’ll do it!”

All of the words seemed to dry up in Kyle’s mouth at this, all of his panicked thoughts coming to a halt as he stared at the brunette before him in utter disbelief. Was he…actually being serious? After everything they’d been through, after all these years, was he really saying he was willing to work on himself? For _this?_

Was it…really that important to him?

“Eric, that’s not—”

“Oh, so you’re calling me _Eric_ now?” The brunette let out a dry laugh as he stared at the other with an intensity that left Kyle feeling stunned, as if trapped by his knowing gaze and unable to escape from its power.

“Don’t you understand, Kyle? Things are different between us now, and they _can’t_ go back to the way they were anymore. And even if they could, I wouldn’t want them to. I can’t just walk away pretending that everything’s fine, and no matter how much you might try to convince yourself, neither can you.”

Unwilling to accept what he was hearing, Kyle quickly tried to move past the other and make a beeline for the door, his instincts taking over completely and practically screaming at him to leave the room _now_. To go back to the safety of his own room and pretend that none of this had ever happened at all, to use the comfortable solitude to convince himself that Eric was wrong.

That things weren’t any different between them now than they’d ever been; that he still hated the brunette with every fiber of his being, and that his character was completely protected in the way he’d always prided himself on. That he was just regular old Kyle, and Cartman was regular old Cartman.

But in the back of his mind, he knew that Eric was right. So when the other grabbed his arm to stop him from leaving, he didn’t actually try to pull away.

“Why are you trying so hard?” Kyle slowly turned his gaze back to meet with that of the boy before him, an almost defeated look falling over his face as all of the anger and defensiveness finally faded from his voice, “Why can’t you just make this easy?”

Cartman paused for a long moment as they looked at one another, still not letting go of the redhead in fear that he would take off at any given moment if he did. His gaze softened at this though, an understanding look beginning to swim deeply within his eyes.

“You still don’t get it, do you?”

Kyle was pulled forward suddenly, an arm wrapping tightly around his waist as their lips met in a deep, passionate kiss. The same feeling from that night overtook him forcefully, all of his breath seemingly stolen from him and leaving him lightheaded as Eric’s lips moved against his own.

“Eric, wait, don’t—” He tried in one final, desperate attempt to push the other back and get some distance between them, but his efforts were in vain as he was moved and pressed back into the wall, the arm around his waist only snaking tighter to keep him from running away.

And the more seconds that ticked by as Cartman kissed him, the more his body began to relax on its own, until all of the panic and fight seemed to melt from him completely. He wasn’t sure when exactly he stopped trying to push the other away, or when he’d started kissing back; but if there was one thing he was sure of, it was that he couldn’t blame alcohol for what they were doing this time.

They were both completely, utterly present in the moment.

Slowly their lips parted after several long moments, Eric’s eyes opening to meet with Kyle’s own as they gazed deeply at one another.

“Now I want you to look at me,” The brunette’s voice was uncharacteristically gentle as he spoke, that same knowing light housed within his eyes, “And tell me that you didn’t feel it, too.”

As those words settled in Kyle’s mind, the two of them locked in one another’s gaze, he knew that he couldn’t run from this anymore. There were no more excuses he could tell himself, no more lies left to hide behind, and something told him that Eric knew it, too.

Kyle closed his eyes at that, his head falling back against the wall with a soft ‘thud’ as he allowed himself to give into this feeling of defeat, coming to the realization that this was one battle even his stubbornness wasn’t going to be able to win. There was no point in even trying anymore.

“Why did you have to do this to me?” The words left him in a deep sigh, his nerves finally managing to calm as the tension between them began to fade away.

“I should be the one asking you that,” Eric let out a soft chuckle as he moved back a bit, giving the redhead some space as he flashed him a teasing grin, “ _You’re_ the one who kissed _me_ first, remember?”

“Shut up,” Kyle shot the other a half-hearted glare at the comment, although he couldn’t keep the small smirk threatening to play on his lips at bay no matter how hard he tried to hide it, “Maybe if you would’ve just kept your mouth shut in there, none of this would’ve even happened.”

“Guess I’m glad I didn’t, then.”

The smile on Eric’s face turned genuine as he took another step back, although he continued to watch the other carefully as a hopeful tone laced his voice, “About what I said before, though…what do you think?”

Kyle glanced off to the side at that as he thought back to Cartman’s suggestion, knowing exactly what he was talking about without him even having to clarify; about the two of them actually going for this whole thing, trying to have some sort of relationship together.

He still wasn’t really sure what to think of it all. This was completely unfamiliar territory to both of them, and he honestly didn’t know where to even start, but…he knew that Eric was right about one thing, at least. Their relationship was changed forever now, and things just couldn’t go back to being the way they were after this, that much was certain.

So what choice did they really have but to try and move forward with something new?

“I…guess it’s worth a shot,” Finally resolving himself to his decision, Kyle nodded as he gave a small shrug of his shoulders, realizing that there wasn’t really any reason or point to try and argue against it anymore, “But if we’re _really_ going to do this, we need to take things slow, okay? This is a huge change, and it’s going to take some time to get used to.”

“I can work with that,” Eric responded eagerly, an almost surprised-looking smile coming to his face as he looked at the other, as if he’d somehow still expected Kyle to try and turn him down, “However you wanna do things, I’ll do it, okay? You just gotta tell me.”

“You’re, uh…really serious about this, huh? The whole ‘willing to change’ thing?” Kyle rubbed the back of his neck lightly as he shifted on his feet, an eyebrow raised questioningly at the brunette.

“I’m willing to do anything if it means I get a chance with you, Kyle.”

The genuine tone and small smile Cartman gave him as he said those words took the redhead by complete surprise, his cheeks heating up as he cleared his throat and quickly glanced off to the side. No matter how much he may have wanted to though, he couldn’t hide the smile that tugged at the corners of his own lips at the comment, and he definitely couldn’t deny the unfamiliar warmth that began to fill his chest.

“When did you become so sappy?” It was more of a rhetorical question than anything, but Eric proved to be more than willing to answer it. Seemed he was on a role with this whole new “speaking from the heart” thing.

“When I realized how stupid I’ve been for not noticing this sooner.” Reaching forward, Cartman grabbed one of Kyle’s hands and grasped it lightly within his own, the soft light in his eyes making the redhead’s heart skip in his chest.  
“Realizing…what, exactly?” Kyle asked the question almost tentatively, as if he were unsure of himself for even asking in the first place. Or maybe it was rather that he was unsure of what the other’s answer was going to be, and how he was going to respond to it.

After all, this was all still so strange and unbelievable to him. Half of him wondered if he’d somehow fallen asleep back in his room, and had never actually come to see Eric in the first place. Everything was just so dreamlike, and he couldn’t deny that this sudden shift in their relationship, and in his feelings for the other, were giving him whiplash to the point that it was almost frightening.

And not only that, but it was as if he were still afraid of things progressing further; this strange new relationship of theirs was already developing rather quickly, and the more they continued down this unfamiliar path, the more _real_ this whole thing would become.

Maybe he was afraid of admitting his own feelings, of cementing into reality the fact that he and Cartman were no longer enemies, a fact that he had lived by for nearly all of his life. Maybe he was afraid of admitting that he was wrong all of this time, that the things he felt for the brunette weren’t _quite_ as grounded in hate as he’d always thought.

But no matter how afraid or unsure of himself that he might have been, it was clear that Eric was willing to take the risk no matter what. In fact, he wasn’t going to take no for an answer now.

“Kyle,” Chuckling softly as he tilted his head to the side, Eric watched the other with a close, careful gaze as he spoke with a hinting tone, “Didn’t you ever think it was weird how far we would take things sometimes? How crazy we would get about each other?”

“I mean, of course I did,” Kyle laughed dryly as he glanced down towards the floor with a shrug of his shoulders, eyes stopping for a moment to look at the way Cartman’s hand fit around his own, “You’ve always been sort of obsessed with humiliating me, or ruining my relationships, or—”

“Because I couldn’t stand seeing you happy with anyone. I always tried telling myself that it was just because I hated you, but…after a while I started wondering if that was really the case. And when the whole thing went down with Heidi, I told myself that I was so mad about it just because you stole her from me, and I wanted her all to myself.

“That was around the time that I realized it, though. And the truth is, well…Heidi wasn’t the reason I was so pissed off.”

“Eric…what are you saying?” Kyle’s throat suddenly felt much drier as he asked those words, and he quickly let out an awkward sounding laugh to try and cover it up, but the way the other was looking at him now was undeniably making him feel a bit anxious.

It was already pretty clear where he was going with this, but knowing the direction of the conversation still didn’t quite prepare him for what Eric admitted to next.

“I’m saying that I wanted _you_ to myself. It wasn’t that I just couldn’t stand seeing you happy with anyone, it was that I couldn’t stand seeing you happy with anyone _else_. I wanted it to be me, but everything I felt for you was so twisted up in my head that it was like I just couldn’t handle it, because I knew that it was _never_ going to be me. And that made me furious.

“I always took everything out on you, because it felt like fighting was the closest we could ever get to each other. But then I had to face the fact that it wasn’t enough, and that it would _never_ be enough.”

Once he started, Eric seemed unable to stop the truth from coming out completely, all of the thoughts he’d kept hidden to himself finally spilling out as he laid all of his cards on the table, “I wanted more, so I dialed it down and stopped trying to fight with you so much because I thought that if I did, we could be closer. That that was the best I was ever going to get.

“So when you kissed me that night, I...well, everything I thought was completely turned upside down. It was the first time that I felt hope, that maybe I wasn’t the only one who felt these things. So when you turned around and started avoiding me, I’m not gonna lie, it really stung.”

Eric took a breath at this, an almost sad smile coming to his lips as he gave a small shake of his head.

“That same twisted, obsessive frustration I felt towards you came flooding back, because I wanted so _desperately_ to believe that I actually had a chance with you. So I thought that maybe if I backed you into a corner and _forced_ you to admit that you felt something that night too, you’d have no choice but to hear me out. But…I guess I didn’t stop to think about how you were feeling about the whole thing.”

Kyle couldn’t help but feel a bit stunned as the other finished saying everything that was on his mind, his lips parted wordlessly as he tried to process everything. He simply looked at the other quietly for a moment as he allowed all of this new information to settle on him, the warmth of Eric’s hand still present in the back of his mind as he looked back and forth between the other’s eyes.

“Wow, Eric, uhm…that’s a lot to take in at once. I had no idea you felt this way for so long,” Kyle couldn’t help but shift on his feet when he felt his face heat up a bit, the gravity of what Cartman was saying finally seeming to settle on him, “So…you knew all the way back when you were dating Heidi? And you waited this long to say anything?”

“What was I supposed to say?” Eric laughed dubiously as he raised an eyebrow at the other, finally allowing Kyle’s hand to slip from his own as he shrugged, “And even if I _had_ said anything, would you even have believed me?”

“Yeah, I guess you’re right,” Kyle couldn’t help but grin at the comment as he rubbed his forearm a bit, realizing that the other did have a point, “I probably would’ve just thought you were pulling a ‘Denver Nuggets’ again.”

They both laughed softly as they thought back to that time, when Cartman had appeared on the Jumbotron and professed his love to the redhead in front of the entire stadium, just so that he could keep Kyle and Nichole from getting together.

Their laughter slowly died down after a moment, although the smiles lingered on their faces as they looked at one another. It wasn’t until Eric’s eyes filled with that soft yet intense light once more that Kyle found himself looking away, the interested gaze making his chest feel warm.

“And what about now?” Eric broke the silence after a moment as he asked this fateful question, not bothering to hide the hopeful tone in his voice as he leaned in a bit closer to catch Kyle’s attention again, “Do you believe me now?”

Kyle looked back to the other at that, their eyes meeting once more as he studied the genuineness in Eric’s eyes, allowing himself to think over the question for a minute. But after hearing the brunette pour his heart out like this, even with all of the uncertainty he still felt over the whole thing, he knew that he didn’t really have to think about it for long.

“Yeah, I…I do,” Kyle finally offered a genuine smile in return as he gave a firm nod of his head, as if affirming his answer to himself, “I mean, I do have to admit that if this all _was_ some sort of long-con, it would be _way_ too convincing, even for you. So…just don’t make me regret believing you about this, okay?”

“Trust me, I won’t,” Eric’s eyes seemed to light up at the other’s answer, a bright grin spreading across his face as he grabbed Kyle’s hands in his own once more and leaned forward, his voice dropping a bit lower as he moved and stopped just before their lips met, “Because I am super, _super_ seriously.”

Kyle couldn’t help but laugh as he gave a half-hearted roll of his eyes and shoved Cartman playfully, “Oh shut up.”

Eric laughed as well as he allowed himself to be pushed back, arms dropping back to his sides as he backed up to give the redhead a bit more space, “Hey, I am!”

He looked around for a moment before spotting the digital clock on his wall, only then realizing how long they’d actually been talking when he saw the big neon numbers reading 12:47 a.m.

“It’s getting late,” Cartman remarked matter-of-factly as he looked at the other with a grin, motioning back behind them with a tilt of his head, “Wanna stay over?”

Kyle’s gaze travelled past the brunette and to his bed as he simply looked at it for a moment, thinking over the offer before nodding and giving another small shrug of his shoulders, “Sure, why not?”

He flashed Eric a pointed gaze at that though, a grin pulling at the corners of his lips as he finally allowed his coat to slip from his shoulders completely, “Don’t you dare try anything though.”

Eric let out an appalled-sounding gasp at that, although it was clear that he was just playing as he raised his hands up defensively, “I am a good Christian boy, Kyle. I wouldn’t even _dream_ of doing anything like that to you.

“Well…maybe once or twice,” An implying smirk spread across his face as he winked at the redhead before turning and beginning to make his way over towards the bed, pulling down the covers and fixing the pillows to make room for the both of them.

Kyle couldn’t keep the light pink from dusting his cheeks as he followed after, an eyebrow raised curiously as he watched the other, “Wait, like…really?”

“You kidding?” Eric turned and flashed Kyle a dubious look, his smirk only growing as he walked over to his dresser and started rooting through the top drawer. He didn’t actually answer the question, but the way he responded was answer enough.

“What sort of things have you, uhm…” Kyle trailed off at that, although he knew the other would catch the drift of what he was trying to ask, regardless.

Cartman only chuckled softly as he continued looking through his clothes for a moment before finding what he was looking for, turning back to the redhead with an implying gaze, “Do you really wanna know?”

Kyle simply fell silent at that, his lips parted wordlessly and his face only managing to heat up further before he shut his mouth completely, glancing off to the side with an awkward cough.

“Didn’t think so.” Eric grinned triumphantly as he tossed Kyle the shirt he was holding, motioning towards it when he caught it and looked at it in confusion, “You should change into that. It’ll probably be a lot more comfortable to sleep in than what you’re wearing.”

Looking down at himself, it wasn’t until then that Kyle realized he’d never actually changed out of his clothes from that day; he’d been way too preoccupied with messaging Eric to even think about it after he’d gone to his room for the night.

He nodded as he turned the fabric over in his hands, looking at the familiar, oversized shirt with a smile.

“Thanks, Eric.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These chapters were not beta’d, so I apologize for any spelling or grammar mistakes!


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